My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
