Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
