trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
