there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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