I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
