So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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