Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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