I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
