There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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