I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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