Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
