I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
