I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
