and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The air was thick with penises
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
