when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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