is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
