Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
