FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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