so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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