Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
