Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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