I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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