I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
