I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
