I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
