Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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