My cat gives me a boner
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
