I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
