Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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