I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
