did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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