I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
