Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
