Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
