I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
