We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
