maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
try to milk me bitch
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
