Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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