I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
