I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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