i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
