Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
