I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
