One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
