I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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