So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
