I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
