then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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