all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
