What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She needs sedatives and a leash
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
