Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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