I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
